My lowest of low

Definition of closure (noun [mass noun])

1) an act or process of closing something, especially an institution, thoroughfare, or frontier, or of being closed;
2) (in a legislative assembly) a procedure for ending a debate and taking a vote;
3) a sense of resolution or conclusion at the end of an artistic work;
4) a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved.

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This post is my closure.

Despite the fact that I don’t see WebGrrrl.net as a personal blog, I find myself posting personal matters from time to time when I feel that it is something serious. And this particular personal post I must write due to the fact that I want to admit accountability on doing a few nasty things I would never thought I would do. I’m breaking my nasty, aloof INTJ mold to do something more nasty.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. But I’m letting this anger last for two days only. And this post is my symbolic full stop, and then I’m through being bitter and angry, because at the end of the day, I’m moving on to unchartered territory, which I will make sure is greener than the other side.

Never take me for a fool. That’s the worst insult one can do to me. I’ve been made a fool by the lies and deceit – mostly deceit – throughout my marriage. But the reality is, marriage is a rollercoaster, always with its ups and downs.

I can handle being fooled by the debt, and by the gambling. Heck, I could probably handle a flirting or two by a significant other with some other person, as long as one comes clean. But being lied to by denying it?

Fine, I can accept the fact that it was probably some stranger one met online, chatted with, flirted with, kidded around with. That’s what I was told.

But when the words uttered were, “I miss you darling” or “I love you baby” or “I’m taking a bath, what are you doing honey?” or “I’m watching TV, sweetheart *kiss*”, then those are not just some innocent chat.

Fine, I’ll consider that, you know, it’s online, so it’s harmless.

But when one actually have not one, but THREE numbers in your mobile phone with the name “Jellyn baby”, “Jellyn baby 2” and “Jellyn darling”, compared to the sorry wife’s name “Lorna”, then that’s not just some harmless online flirting, is it?

Fine, so one said they met online to just chat. That the relationship is just one’s imagination.

But when I see the Husband Stealer proudly puts up a profile pic of her and the Wife Cheater taken almost a year ago and STILL IS UP THERE, then DEFINITELY something’s wrong.

Imagination, huh?

When that was out in the open, yet one dares to admit and then tells me that it meant nothing, my mind went like, wow. Seriously??

This makes me feel as stupid as I could ever be.

Put the frequent outstation trips and the heavy password protection set on one’s phones and tablets and computers together, and that was my final straw.

Never. Ever. Take Me. For a Fool. Ever.

The point of this post is that I want to admit that I am accountable for this post, and for the two days of messaging nasty stuff to both of them.

This is my lowest of low.

I make this post to remind me, just as most blog posts I have in WebGrrrl.net, not just of the fact that I am (reminding again) accountable of writing this post as well as the two-day trolling, but also to learn from it. And yes, to shame them. Because I think that woman also has a partner.

I told you this is my lowest of low.

Regret? I have one. Nevertheless, it is nothing that my eldest son (old enough to understand but too young to face my reality) didn’t know. In fact, he suspected this months before I did, but he just didn’t tell me.

Shoot. I am so low.

But this is my way of getting over the whole drama. Starting on the third day (today), I am adamant to write a fresh new chapter, one which my four sons will be proud out and I will be too. I’m not going to hang onto negativity. No more bitterness. No more anger. I’m also ready to face the fact that there will be moments of weakness where I’ll brood around thinking about the bitterness and anger this drama has caused me, but it will be short-lived, as with all my other dramas of death and uncertainty.

So, no. I will never delete this post. Not even if my future employer demands it. I will one day read this post and think, “Huh. This was one well-written post, Lorna. You have a knack for words.” (And one that I keep wishing people would say to me).

Fear? I have one. Being single. Urgh, I hate the flirting game. I hope I won’t have to deal with one any time soon, for my sake and my kids’ sake.

Now I’m moving on to cleaning my new home.

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Posted on 8 May, 2013 under Life in reality and tagged with anger, cheating, closure, marriage